You know what is the best thing that I got after so many turbulence in my heart? It's Him. I realise that to feel so calm at the end of the day, to feel so happy even when I lose everything, I need Him.
Untuk berubah menjadi yang lebih baik, tak mudah. I swear, it's hard. Especially when we are woman, hati terlalu rapuh, kadang-kadang sendiri tak tahu apa diri sendiri nak. Kadang terpaksa bilamana keadaan sekeliling memaksa. As a woman, when we were forced to be someone new, we will change. But when we're tired to fulfill other people's desire, (even when it's for our own goodness) we will change back to our old self, but it gonna be worse than before.
Memberontak. Hati dah tepu dengan kehendak manusia lain, dan end up, hati kata, I just want to be myself. I don't care anymore what people think of me. ☹
Pernah dengar, perempuan ni ibarat tulang rusuk yang bengkok tu. Dia akan tetap bengkok, tapi kalau ada tekanan yg kuat menolak, dia akan patah. 😿 At the moment they don't even care anymore, it's the moment they were broke.
I've been in that place, when you want to be someone that can satisfy other people. To be good in their eyes. But at the end, I just can't. Because there're no such things that can satisfy them. There must be something they want us to change. And I end up, losing myself.
Until finally, I run. Run away from their life. I kick them out of my life. I don't want to remember anything about them, being close with them, tell people about my family, exposing my real life to the surrounding. I run, far away from their life.
Then, I try to find the real me. The heart that I throw so far to just meet other people desire.
To be me, to say no when I don't want to do something, be someone that is so content with what she wants. Do things that makes me happy. Until, my own self slowly want to change to be better than I used to be. To love Him and get to know His love better. To be so happy when I can talk to myself just like when I was 5th years old kid, when I was the only daughter in my family. I'm happy, when I meet Him. At the moment I realise that His love is so serene and I feel so comfortable with this kind of Him-self love.
Berubah, luaran memang mudah. Show people what they to look in their eyes. As a woman, wearing the Islami clothes, wear robe and huge scarfs. Cover your modesty. Nevertheless, it's not only what you want to show at the outside. It's in your heart. Are you that sincere with what you do? What your heart says? Is that make you treat other people better? Or you think you're good enough until you can't see other people goodness. And you being so arrogant with everything that you show from the outside.
Ladies, to be better woman, to be someone new, It's not easy. But it's not so hard. Know what your heart wants, love yourself, pray, that Allah s.w.t show you the way, and slowly, take step-by-step to be better. Until you get used with that things, and you feel so uneasy when you need to leave that things.
For me, I love to talk with myself, and at the same time I'm talking to Him. Like He's so near. When I have something that I want to ask or I don't understand why is it happen to me (Since I was kid, I have curiosity about so many things. Until my parents can't answer me anymore 😂) , I open His book, tafseer, ask, and play with my intuition, open the page I feel like I want to read, and He will give me His words.
Till then, L 💋