28 November 2016

Bilang

Berkali-kali aku bilang
Aku cuma menumpang
Menumpang sedikit sisa kasih sayang.

Aku penumpang
Sadarkan diri supaya tak terlalu tenggelam.

Takut.
Aku bukan siapa-siapa
Aku ingin pergi
Menjauh
Supaya tak lagi aku berhutang

Aku ingin berdiri pada diri sendiri
Mencari harga diri
Supaya tak lagi aku terasa lemas sendiri
Mencari rialiti diri sendiri.

Tuhan
Aku tahu kau tahu
Betapa perih rasa tersisih
Terbuang
Tenggelam dalam ruang

Semoga aku bisa pergi
Menjauh
Melangkah
Membina hidupku sendiri

Dan saat itu aku tak perlu lagi takut
Atau merasa gerah dalam hidup.


26 November 2016

Marriage

Today I went to a wedding. Frankly speak, deep inside my heart, I don't really like wedding. I love it, from afar. I love to see happy faces etc. But for me to be in crowd of the wedding, πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯

And to imagine that I'm the bride is a nightmare. Yes, I'm 22 (soon to be 23) I don't have anyone when my friends already had their sayang bee you me us but me, I don't even care because I enjoy with this kind of life.

Yeah sometimes I feel lonely, but then to build some trust for someone to take care of me, is too cheesy. I don't hv that trust since I don't grow with any man that I can trust. I feel awkward when having any other men as family (like new pakciks of my aunts or else) omg it's so awkward. There are some unwanted feelings that I can't name what it is.

I always afraid that if I don't hv any desire to get married. I wish I can forget my past. The painful one. Which even when I try to forgive, I still have that pain.

Ya Rabb, forgive me. To be that kind of human. It's so hard for me to forget. Like roll of movies replay in my mind. ☹

21 November 2016

Of Final Year Project & you

Assalamualaikum ❤

Well, my final year project was finished and currently focus for thesis & viva preparation (Focus eh? 🙈 Hopefully.)

Ok. Final year & final semester is the most scariest part in Bachelor degree. (Takut tak? 😎) you need to focus on studies but yeah doing the fyp as well. As for me, I tarik lot of subjects when the final year begin. I took 8 papers! All killer papers. Exceed credit hour lagi 😖 So final sem I only take 5 papers with 2 killer papers, when my clans need to go to next class, I'm going back home to clean my room 😎

How I begin my fyp? I advice you to start it earlier than your friends. Kenapa? Because you can pick the best lab equipment, semua la boleh the best! Sebab orang tak ramai. Anddd you can prepare for any consequences if anything happen. Kalau project tak jadi ke, boleh repeat etc. As my lecturer said, do things that people don't do. Dare to be different from others!

For my fyp, I really can't repeat it for so many times. Sebab it costs lots of money! My project, per 5 ampule kecik je RM100+ and I have 3 samples with 3 replicate! So I need to do it at my best. 😅

At first, I wish that there will be no contamination in my projects and Alhamdulillah for 200 plate streaking & diluting, no contam.

Sebelum mula project tu memang doa bebanyakkk everytime begin the experiment baca memacam doa so that Allah s.w.t ease my work 🤓 you can't predict ok what will happen.

Tipu la everything went well as I wish! Kena la ada dugaan sikit kan baru thrill. So dugaan I, agar habis & I need to really manage it well. Guna cukup-cukup je. Sampai sekali tu memang tak cukup. Idk what to do sampai memang tak mampu dah nak senyum 🙁 tapi entah dari mana, kekuatan, few days pastu I mintak pada Allah s.w.t sebab memang jalan dah buntu taktau nak buat mcm mana sebab agar costs about RM700++! Mana nak cari duit 💸

I pray, minta pada Allah s.w.t tunjukkan jalan, pastu tunggu Allah nak bagi jalan yang mana. Redha. Masa tu project terbengkalai. Few days after, I try to ask the lab assistant  (before this dah tanya but he said takde 😂) tapi try lagi sekali tetiba budget untuk barang lab yang takde before this tetiba ada, and I got new agar! Yang dalam seal lagi tak bukak!  How happyyy I am sampai terlompat. 💃

Conclusion kat sini, when you want to begin anything in your life, tell Allah s.w.t ask Him to make it easy, thank Him as well. 😘

XOXO, L 💋

19 November 2016

Soon ❤

Ever since when I was 19 years old, I want to be there. Makkah al-Muqarramah & Madina al-Munawwarah. It's begin when I started to find Allah after lost for nearly 2 years. I'm arguing with myself, asking why He took everything so sudden? Why life is so hard yet He kept me alive. Masya Allah, so ungrateful servant I am at that time 😭. 

I went to the mosque. Try to find the serenity in my life. Crying over so many things. Feel like a corpse without any desire to live anymore. Until one day, when I fall asleep after tired of crying in the mosque, I got a dream. Dream of me, seeing the qa'ba from afar. πŸ•‹

Day by day, I want to go there, I'm curious about the dream. How serene is that place? But how can I go there? I begin to find myself. I want that serenity. I start to learn how to get to know Him from scratch.

Until after I went to the University, I begin to save some of my Yayasan scholar to go there.

And right now, He shows me the way to go there right after I graduated. (I can't wait to be there ❤)

If people ask me what I want to do after graduated, I will say that I don't know. Some of my friends wanna get married, having short holiday, working, futher studies, as for me the only thing I want to do after this is to be in Makkah, sujood in front of Ka'ba. Thank Him for everything. For give me another chance.  For not taking my life when I was 'died' years ago.

3 months to go. May He bless this journey. The one and only dream for now.🌈

I miss this place even more these days. πŸ˜”

The best in you

You know what is the best thing that I got after so many turbulence in my heart? It's Him. I realise that to feel so calm at the end of the day, to feel so happy even when I lose everything, I need Him.

Untuk berubah menjadi yang lebih baik, tak mudah. I swear, it's hard. Especially when we are woman, hati terlalu rapuh, kadang-kadang sendiri tak tahu apa diri sendiri nak. Kadang terpaksa bilamana keadaan sekeliling memaksa. As a woman, when we were forced to be someone new, we will change. But when we're tired to fulfill other people's desire, (even when it's for our own goodness) we will change back to our old self, but it gonna be worse than before.

Memberontak. Hati dah tepu dengan kehendak manusia lain, dan end up, hati kata, I just want to be myself. I don't care anymore what people think of me.

Pernah dengar, perempuan ni ibarat tulang rusuk yang bengkok tu. Dia akan tetap bengkok, tapi kalau ada tekanan yg kuat menolak, dia akan patah. 😿 At the moment they don't even care anymore, it's the moment they were broke.

I've been in that place, when you want to be someone that can satisfy other people. To be good in their eyes. But at the end, I just can't. Because there're no such things that can satisfy them. There must be something they want us to change. And I end up, losing myself.

Until finally, I run. Run away from their life. I kick them out of my life. I don't want to remember anything about them, being close with them, tell people about my family, exposing my real life to the surrounding. I run, far away from their life.

Then, I try to find the real me. The heart that I throw so far to just meet other people desire.

To be me, to say no when I don't want to do something, be someone that is so content with what she wants. Do things that makes me happy. Until, my own self slowly want to change to be better than I used to be. To love Him and get to know His love better. To be so happy when I can talk to myself just like when I was 5th years old kid, when I was the only daughter in my family. I'm happy, when I meet Him. At the moment I realise that His love is so serene and I feel so comfortable with this kind of Him-self love. 

Berubah, luaran memang mudah. Show people what they to look in their eyes. As a woman, wearing the Islami clothes, wear robe and huge scarfs. Cover your modesty. Nevertheless, it's not only what you want to show at the outside. It's in your heart. Are you that sincere with what you do? What your heart says? Is that make you treat other people better? Or you think you're good enough until you can't see other people goodness. And you being so arrogant with everything that you show from the outside.

Ladies, to be better woman, to be someone new, It's not easy. But it's not so hard. Know what your heart wants, love yourself, pray, that Allah s.w.t show you the way, and slowly, take step-by-step to be better. Until you get used with that things, and you feel so uneasy when you need to leave that things.

For me, I love to talk with myself, and at the same time I'm talking to Him. Like He's so near. When I have something that I want to ask or I don't understand why is it happen to me (Since I was kid, I have curiosity about so many things. Until my parents can't answer me anymore πŸ˜‚) , I open His book, tafseer, ask, and play with my intuition, open the page I feel like I want to read, and He will give me His words

Till then, L πŸ’‹


13 November 2016

Ready?

He is so sweet.

The moment I fell in love with him is the best moment I ever feel. I grown up with that love. He mesmerised me with the qualities inside him that I can't find even when I met thousand guys. He managed to trigger that feelings of love and prosperity inside me. I became so ambitious everytime I think of that love.

Unfortunately, I don't have any strength to tell him. It just some feeling that make me wake up everyday to be better lady until one day he can see me, love me, just like I did.

But then, as I make a good plan, Allah s.w.t has better plan for me. He knows that I will never love myself when I'm with him. I'm too eager to be someone that he can love, instead of just love myself and let he love me as who I am.

After 7 years, Allah s.w.t let me hold that love, shower that love with so many doas. He took that from me. I accept his wedding invitation with his own choice. What'd I feel? Of course it's hurt. Like my heart was sliced & chopped  (kalau chicken chop sedap jugak 😥)

But after few days, I sat on my knees, pray, turn to Him, asked for His strength, so that I can smile again. My smile also, feel so bitter you know... 🤐

Now I know. He didn't took him just to bring me down. He knows, that if he let me be by myself all this while, I can't be THIS strong, positive & ambitious. I can't dream anymore. So, He lend me this love so that I can feel that I still have another dream to carry on. I can be better than who am I before. But when Allah s.w.t know that I'm already strong to walk by my own, He took him so that this guy, can shine other lady's life. That need him, more than me.

At first, I think I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to walk this life all alone. No dream of someone that can accompany me, no dream of someone that can make my heart palpitate out of nowhere, no love that can shine my smile. But then, I realised, all this while, this love that He sent, bring me to Him. I get to know Allah s.w.t trough this love. I start to love Allah s.w.t when I feel this warm feeling.

Since Allah already prepared His love for me, how come I can fall again like before? I still have His love, His promises. So I turn to Him.

It is hard, but I decided to go to his wedding. I thanked to Allah s.w.t for my 7 years of loving him. I thanked to Allah s.w.t that he finally found someone that can take care of him and his family, better than me.

This is not easy, I swear. But Allah has granted me with so many blessings. I can't turn back, because Allah's love is more than everything in this life. I trust that Allah has created someone that also struggle so hard to be near to HIM. ❤

Weight to bear

People asking me, why you lose so much weight? Why you're getting smaller when everyone is getting bigger?

Some pain, it's just to hard to bear. It's hard to change the pain into happiness. But when I force myself to be happy, my inner strength can't really cope because when I'm all alone, talking with my Lord, I know that I'm not that strong. I'm weak. Dunya is too hard. But yeah, I still want to appreciate every moment so that I didn't regret when it passed.

I know that Allah tested me with something that I can bear. How hard it is. But for every hardbreak, when I passed it, I feel like, I want to be someone else. I want to look different so that people can't recognize me and remind me about my past. 


I want to create 'better me' in people's eyes. I want to be someone new than 'the old me'. I don't care how hard it is to damp down my heartbreak moments. I want to look different. 

So, here I am. Losing my weight from 66kgs to 47kgs (1 month ago. Idk I'm losing how many kgs for this few weeks) Until I can't buy any 'free size' attire anymore. It became so big for me πŸ€”

Fyi, I've been granted by Allah s.w.t to be someone that can't recognize people's face if I didn't meet them for such a long time or when I met them for only few times. I just can't remember faces. So, it's easy for me to move on another step in my life. ( Please don't judge me if you meet me out there, and I can't even remember your face. I just can't πŸ™.  But I remember moments. If you recall my memories, I still can remember that πŸ€—. So tegur je, maybe I tak cam muka. But memories, will never fade. In syaa Allah)

Few weeks ago, I went to the court, and my relatives also can't remember my face as I'm losing so much weight. You know what? I feel happy! Because I just, don't want to remember how hard it is the moment I need to survive all alone, and they're just leave me like I'm no one to them. Yes. I walked away from their life, and create my own new life. 🌈

Know what? Sometimes you just need to make a move and leave people that don't appreciate your presence. Create your own future. Make new clans. Who can still 'see' you when you don't have anything to be proud of.

Don't worry. I'm losing my weight with the right diet & healthy lifestyle. I want to value myself, why should I touture the body that Allah gave to me? I just want to do something that can make me happy. πŸ’–

10 November 2016

Awan

Dia di atas awan
Aku melata di bumi
Mengagumi mencintai

Selalu kutenung awan itu
Menggapai tak tercapai
Terlalu jauh sampai aku terkapai-kapai

Sampai awan itu berarak pergi
Memayungi bumi yang lain
Buat aku ditimpa hujan.

Tapi tak mengapa
Hujan itu rahmat
Pasti datangnya pelangi

Berwarna warni
Membiaskan cahaya semi
Buat aku mampu tersenyum sendiri.

.