17 January 2016

17 /1/2016

I believe in Doa. A LOT. Allah is Al-Mujeeb, we believe with certainty.

Even sometimes, I feel like I am asking Allah for ridiculous things. I talk to Him like, He is in front of me. Oh yes, He is always with us, it just we can't see Him. But I just feel like I am doing pillow talk, I tell Him everything, like today what I feel. Like, Ya Allah I am tired, Like Ya Allah today is a funny day, that we got something happening in our class etc.

Usually, I didn't tell people what I asked from Allah. Because it's between us. Me and Him. But today, I feel like asking something that I'd never think of it, that I think is it sinful for me to ask this from Him?

I said,

Ya Allah, let me forget everything about him. Let me forget everything like, all those memories about him. Let me forget my childhood memories. Let me forget that I knew him, once. Let me forget all the painful things etc.

I feel, sinful. But I am tired already. Waiting for him is just like waiting for the stars to fall in front of me.

I realized, that he uses me, my weakness that I respect him as my father, to release himself from the problem he created. For everything. I never tell my relatives, I am the one who first get to know that he is dating with another lady. I am the first one he scold when I told him what I know. I never tell our relatives, because I love him. I love our family so much. But then, he told to the relatives that I am the one who did this and that, When I didn't excel for my SPM, and he tells our relatives that I am not good enough (But he is the one who proud when I get straight As for my PMR), Masya Allah, you can't imagine how hurt it is, when someone that you wish to be proud of you, to save you from dunya, to stay with you if anything happen, to defend you in front of others, doing this. He killed my dreams to be a doctor, he said, don't dream high if you can't achieve it. I am not only dreaming. I struggled for it, but he ruins it with what he called, his happiness .He said, Mama is the one who should be blamed for, and yet  I still hope that he will change, and realize all of this begin from him. All the relatives, seems hate us now. And All I can do is, smiling. Can you imagine, how hurt it is?

I know, Allah send this calamities because He knows I can bear with it.

I tried.

But then, I just want to walk another road. I want to release him. From my mind, from my heart. I want to forget everything. Can I?

Men outside there, woman's heart is soft. But she can bear with all the painful things you give. She can give you like trillion chances. But when she stop doing that, that means, you're above the limit. You may see, all she can do is crying over the same thing like trillion times. You may say it is her weakness. But, for god sake, as a woman, we are stronger than you.