Ready?

He is so sweet.

The moment I fell in love with him is the best moment I ever feel. I grown up with that love. He mesmerised me with the qualities inside him that I can't find even when I met thousand guys. He managed to trigger that feelings of love and prosperity inside me. I became so ambitious everytime I think of that love.

Unfortunately, I don't have any strength to tell him. It just some feeling that make me wake up everyday to be better lady until one day he can see me, love me, just like I did.

But then, as I make a good plan, Allah s.w.t has better plan for me. He knows that I will never love myself when I'm with him. I'm too eager to be someone that he can love, instead of just love myself and let he love me as who I am.

After 7 years, Allah s.w.t let me hold that love, shower that love with so many doas. He took that from me. I accept his wedding invitation with his own choice. What'd I feel? Of course it's hurt. Like my heart was sliced & chopped  (kalau chicken chop sedap jugak 😥)

But after few days, I sat on my knees, pray, turn to Him, asked for His strength, so that I can smile again. My smile also, feel so bitter you know... 🤐

Now I know. He didn't took him just to bring me down. He knows, that if he let me be by myself all this while, I can't be THIS strong, positive & ambitious. I can't dream anymore. So, He lend me this love so that I can feel that I still have another dream to carry on. I can be better than who am I before. But when Allah s.w.t know that I'm already strong to walk by my own, He took him so that this guy, can shine other lady's life. That need him, more than me.

At first, I think I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to walk this life all alone. No dream of someone that can accompany me, no dream of someone that can make my heart palpitate out of nowhere, no love that can shine my smile. But then, I realised, all this while, this love that He sent, bring me to Him. I get to know Allah s.w.t trough this love. I start to love Allah s.w.t when I feel this warm feeling.

Since Allah already prepared His love for me, how come I can fall again like before? I still have His love, His promises. So I turn to Him.

It is hard, but I decided to go to his wedding. I thanked to Allah s.w.t for my 7 years of loving him. I thanked to Allah s.w.t that he finally found someone that can take care of him and his family, better than me.

This is not easy, I swear. But Allah has granted me with so many blessings. I can't turn back, because Allah's love is more than everything in this life. I trust that Allah has created someone that also struggle so hard to be near to HIM. ❤

Weight to bear

People asking me, why you lose so much weight? Why you're getting smaller when everyone is getting bigger?

Some pain, it's just to hard to bear. It's hard to change the pain into happiness. But when I force myself to be happy, my inner strength can't really cope because when I'm all alone, talking with my Lord, I know that I'm not that strong. I'm weak. Dunya is too hard. But yeah, I still want to appreciate every moment so that I didn't regret when it passed.

I know that Allah tested me with something that I can bear. How hard it is. But for every hardbreak, when I passed it, I feel like, I want to be someone else. I want to look different so that people can't recognize me and remind me about my past. 

I want to create 'better me' in people's eyes. I want to be someone new than 'the old me'. I don't care how hard it is to damp down my heartbreak moments. I want to look different. 

So, here I am. Losing my weight from 66kgs to 47kgs (1 month ago. Idk I'm losing how many kgs for this few weeks) Until I can't buy any 'free size' attire anymore. It became so big for me 🤔

Fyi, I've been granted by Allah s.w.t to be someone that can't recognize people's face if I didn't meet them for such a long time or when I met them for only few times. I just can't remember faces. So, it's easy for me to move on another step in my life. ( Please don't judge me if you meet me out there, and I can't even remember your face. I just can't 🙁.  But I remember moments. If you recall my memories, I still can remember that 🤗. So tegur je, maybe I tak cam muka. But memories, will never fade. In syaa Allah)

Few weeks ago, I went to the court, and my relatives also can't remember my face as I'm losing so much weight. You know what? I feel happy! Because I just, don't want to remember how hard it is the moment I need to survive all alone, and they're just leave me like I'm no one to them. Yes. I walked away from their life, and create my own new life. 🌈

Know what? Sometimes you just need to make a move and leave people that don't appreciate your presence. Create your own future. Make new clans. Who can still 'see' you when you don't have anything to be proud of.

Don't worry. I'm losing my weight with the right diet & healthy lifestyle. I want to value myself, why should I touture the body that Allah gave to me? I just want to do something that can make me happy. 💖

Awan

Dia di atas awan
Aku melata di bumi
Mengagumi mencintai

Selalu kutenung awan itu
Menggapai tak tercapai
Terlalu jauh sampai aku terkapai-kapai

Sampai awan itu berarak pergi
Memayungi bumi yang lain
Buat aku ditimpa hujan.

Tapi tak mengapa
Hujan itu rahmat
Pasti datangnya pelangi

Berwarna warni
Membiaskan cahaya semi
Buat aku mampu tersenyum sendiri.

Itu sebuah kehidupan

Entah. Should I tell or not?
Dah begitu lama aku simpan. Bertahun-tahun pergi ibarat mati dari semua. Aku berhenti berharap dan melangkah pergi. Aku simpan sendiri.

Begitu tega, membuat kami hampir mati. Tak tergapai akal bilamana aku sendiri bertarung nyawa. Begitu perih, sampai tak tergali luka yg lama tu.

Sampai kini, aku masih berlari. Lari dari dunia rialiti, membina hidup baru yg aku sendiri tak tahu ujungnya apa. Berhati-hati dengan siapa pun. Bilanglah aku penakut. Takut dengan bayang masa lalu.

Tapi cuma aku yg tahu rasanya perih, rasanya bertarung nyawa yg buat aku hampir mengalah pada hidup. Mereka mahu bahagia kami. Ambillah, aku tak mahu. Aku rela lepaskan semua.

Tapi nyata mereka tak pernah puas, dan mereka masih mencari. Sampai kadang aku sendiri terfikir, tak lelahkah mereka membenci? Sedang kami tak pernah membalas. Memang begitukah resam hidup mereka? Begitu cemburu.

Kalau saja mereka tahu rasanya hampir kehilangan nafas. Kalaulah mereka tahu begitu aku lelah untuk selalu berhati-hati. Kalau saja mereka tahu, rasa saat terfikir waktu yg diberi tuhan hampir berakhir.

Kadang aku berharap, tuhan lupakan aku dengan masa lalu. Masa lalu dimana aku bertarung nyawa, masa lalu dimana aku tak mampu mengangkat tubuh, masa bilamana hidup terlalu perih, my friends read yaasin for me so that Allah ease my burdens when it's hard for me even to take a single breath. Masa bilamana aku biarkan semuanya pergi, aku sendiri tak mahu bahagia, kalau itu begitu menyakitkan.

Teganya hati yg membenci itu.

Tak henti masa lalu aku hampir hilang diri sendiri terputar setiap kali mata ini terpejam. Terasa 6 tahun tak begitu lama untuk padam semuanya.

Bilamana aku cuba mahu keluar dari diam, aku sudah punya bahagia sendiri, kami sudah mampu ketawa tanpa menggali masa lalu, mereka mencari lagi. Tanpa lelah cuba memadam setiap senyuman kami.

Aku selalu tertanya-tanya. Sudah terpadamkah kemanusiaan di hati mereka? Sudah hitamkah hati mereka dengan cemburu? Tak jemukah mereka secara halus cuba membunuh kami? Tidak takutkah mereka pada tuhan? Tak lelahkah mereka mengambil tahu hidup kami?

Kami tak punya apa, aku tak punya apa. Cuma punya belas kasihan tuhan. Aku terus melangkah dengan ihsan tuhan. Sedang aku masih lagi tak tahu ke mana langkah ini pergi nanti. Aku redha, andai tidak punya bahagia. Bilamana, bahagia tu menyiram api benci pada manusia lain. 

Aku tetap percaya, doa yg teraniaya itu tak pernah terlepas dari pandanganNya. Malah itu cukup membuat aku merasa syukur. Sebab aku boleh minta apa saja. Dan Dia selalu mendengar. Itu definisi bahagia aku. Aku tak perlu begitu banyak perkara, bilamana aku belajar perihnya hidup andai aku punya definisi bahagia yg sama seperti manusia biasa yg lain.

Harta aku kini, cuma doa. Tapi aku merasa cukup.

Aku selalu lelah untuk hidup. Tapi, bila setiap hari aku bangun untuk terus berjuang, aku percaya, tuhan tak pernah salah memberi. Oleh itu, aku tersenyum lagi. 😇