Such a long friday

Yesterday I went to Seremban to register for my Umrah and pay for the fees. Alhamdulillah I got mahram and no need to get married!! (See how excited I am?! wakaka) I got migraine since wednesday, but gagahkan jugak drive JB-Seremban.

Lepas tu gigih jugak beraya makan memacam. Idk whether my stomach or my body, they can't accept what I ate yesterday. Maybe sebab dah lama tak makan banyak, malam nak drive semula tu, segala macam makanan dari pagi ke petang tu semua keluaq. And I end up melepek tidoq sepanjang jalan. 

I met tok Uncle yesterday, and he's asking me to think again about pursuing my Master since nowadays the employer tend to choose low qualification worker due to reduce the fees for their company. and the master/phd usually is for naik pangkat je. Except if I want to work in academic lane. But as for me....I can't teach. I really can't because at the end I even can't understand my own theory LOL. Hm I've stop planning since years. Since I can't get into medicine lane because of my family problem. Plus at that time no one can take care of mama and adik-adik except me. Only Allah know how I can't stop crying & How I hope Apak is there with me dan buat aku sakit 2 kali ganda sebab apak broke his promises to take care of us & to always stay with me. Since that, I've stop doing my annual planning. I just follow and put my 100%  trust with Allah's plan. I feel more happy with that and I realized that life is what I do for the hereafter. How afraid I am to take another step, I just need to trust HIM. As long as my heart is with HIM, I am safe. 

Si pemimpi

Tak mudah untuk aku jadikan mimpi ini rialiti, bila mimpi lalu aku musnah sekelip mata. Ya. Aku pernah bermimpi dan berdoa untuk suatu perkara yang aku rasa baik untuk aku, tapi dalam sekejapan cuma, Allah ambil mimpi itu. Allah tutup semua jalan untuk aku mengejar mimpi itu. Membuat aku jatuh ke ruang yang dalam, membuat hati hancur lebur dan mematikan segenap harapan.

Selepas bertahun, aku kembali mengait mimpi yang lain. Tapi, aku selalu letakkan supaya DIA yang menjaga mimpi aku kali ini. Aku jadi lebih berhati-hati dalam mengorak langkah untuk mengejar mimpi kali ini. Macam puzzle, boleh tarik semula kalau puzzle tu salah, dan berfikir panjang untuk memilih puzzle yang betul dan mewujudkan gambar yang indah.

Dan hampir separuh dari permulaan langkah 3 tahun lepas. Tuhan malah memberi aku "hint" untuk beberapa langkah lagi. Malah begitu banyak hadiah yang dia beri. mungkin dia tahu, aku tak sekuat mana. Mungkin DIA tahu aku begitu takut untuk memulakan langkah. Setiap saat, setiap detik, aku takut. Aku takut kalau aku gambar yang hampir siap ini, dipijak lagi dan musnah begitu saja.

Alhamdulillah, terima kasih kerna ajar aku cara baru untuk bermimpi dalam dunia rialiti. Terima kasih sebab tak pernah biarkan aku sendiri. Terima kasih kerana mendengar setiap kata hati aku. Terima kasih kerana tak melepaskan aku saat hati ini hampir mati.

Tak mudah, tahu? menghidupkan kembali hati yang mati.

Dulu aku fikir aku sendiri. Aku tak seperti gadis-gadis lain. Aku sendiri, aku lah pejuang keluarga, akulah penyelamat, akulah ibu, akulah ayah. Tapi, DIA selalu saja ingatkan aku, aku tak pernah sendiri. Walau satu saat pun.

Post diet problem

Dulu, masa aku rasa berat makin naik sebab ayah suka bagi makan malam-malam, aku mula lah nak diet. Dan biasanya diet tu kelaut je sebab setiap kali ayah bagi makan, and his cooking skills takyah cakap la, ayam masak merah, lempeng kelapa, nasi kerabu, mee bandung, nasi briyani, nasi tomato, cakap je aku nak makan ape. Nanti tetiba dia akan panggil, "Aleah, ni ayah teringin makan ni, ayah masak banyak pulak" dan semestinya makanan itu untuk aku sebab ayah duduk sorang je kat matrik ni. Mak kat Johor jaga Ayuni dan Anis. Jadi berat dari 40kg terus pam nak meletup jadi 65kg uols! I iz sedih tapi happy jugak sebab makan sedap-sedap! Semakin lama aku rasa macam baju makin ketat & since aku memang bawak baju yang penting je keluar dari rumah lama dulu, aku kena diet kalau tak mana nak cari duit beli baju?

Ok dan habis matrik, tak jumpa ayah lagi, so aku pun mulakan misi diet sihat. Aku tak boleh diet atkin (even orang kata berat senang turun) sebab aku perlukan carbo. Kalau takde carbo sehari rasa macam tak makan setahun. Exaggerate sangat Zzzz. 

Alasan mula-mula aku diet, baju semua ketat dan taknak beli baju baru. Kuno sangat reason kan. Hoho! Tapi sekarang bila hidup dah stable sikit, keluar pulak alasan baru, em baju sedia ada dah makin besar, mungkin sebab aku dah terlebih diet. Jadi kena cari baju baru jugak. Nampak tak permainan kat situ? niat asal memang lari dah! sama je lastly aku kena cari baju baru hahahahaahaha. Girls will always be girls. Baju dah nak tinggi KLCC dalam almari pun, masih keluar ayat yang sama,

"Hem nak pakai baju apa? Baju takde la"

"Baju ni bosan rasa dah pakai 80 kali"

"Baju ni nampak gemuk"

"Baju ni nampak pendek"

"Baju ni terang sangat"

*Cakap je la nak beli baju baru ape susah LOL* 

Just sharing idk it is true or not, sebab kalau ikut sini aku dah tergolong dalam golongan underweight tapi kalau ikut BMI masih berkadar normal (Dari few years ago overweight! Underweight salah, overweight salah, pompuan sangat hehe) I'm 152cm tall but my weight is less than 52 LOL. Erm tinggi tu dediam sikit eh ;p

XO

Beginning

I read somewhere, said that not to disclose your plan to the others. But, for this....I need to post it here so that I can count the moments. The moment I begin to make my own dream to be reality. (I just post it here! not in other social media ; fb/ig since I don't know who is the one always spend your time to read this blog. As far I know..I didn't tell my family members about this blog. So, I think it is okay for me to keep the memories? Hehe)

It is not easy from the first time I make some decision & work hard for it. From just a dream, make me eager to catch the dream, and the long journey I need to face, may be the best moments happened in my life. Why I really want to go there? Masya Allah, I really don't know. Yeah, there are so many things that I don't understand (for now) happened in my life. So many things to be questioned that might be make me want to try get to know HIM and eventually I fell in love with HIM. I might be far from a good servant for HIM, but Alhamdulillah, HIS blessings always make me feel like I need to be better everyday. Every hardship make me depend on HIM a lot. So, this might be one way for me to thank HIM, May Allah ease and bless my effort from the beginning until I end this journey.

such a long time I didn't mention about being there. Focusing my final year (In syaa Allah begin my final semester soon!) still busy for another 4 months, May Allah ease =)

Obiviously

Relieved. 

Obviously I am not ready for the big thing to happen in my life. I am still with so many perceptions about relationship, no matter how sometimes, when I see the sweetness of couples or marriages, I want to feel it too. But, maybe....I still need some time to live my own life, to achieve my own dreams, and create wonderful colors of my own world. 

Maybe....I still need to study a lot of being a good wife, on how to agree with my husband's thought w/o arguing, I still need to learn how to be an obedient young lady, not to be selfish and on preparing his needs. Obviously marriage is not only from one person's preparation into 'make it two'. It is more than that! (Or me that always overthinking of it? idk) 

Seeing other people's marriages on instagram/fb is not a reason for me to build one. Of course they won't share the moment they're arguing on how to give and take in marriage's life. How to share food portions, argue about what kind of tv shows they want to watch and when the husband cheats in doing house chores. (Now I think, I really overthinking of it Zzzz) 

So when I don't need to get married just because I really want to go to Tanah Haram, I just feel so grateful. Now I can smile after one day been so stressed out until I got migraine again just because I think the end of my life when I need to get married. It's not because I don't want to get married, it's not the time yet. I just...feel like that. 

Obviously, when I easily burnt out (getting migraine) of just think about this silly thing (Yeah, who else afraid to get married other than me in my clans? It is just me.) how can I begin the next phase of my life, prepare food, doing house chores, prepare clothes for two/three/four other than mine? (Alasan bcs all this while I am the one that preparing everything for my family members. From house chores (If not why everyone else called me bibik from Uni? But I don't care bcs I really enjoy doing house chores!), ironing clothes, packing for holiday etc. 

But, maybe, I really not ready yet.

Except, if the one and only tu, can accept my weakness that I can be a hulk when I got migraine. And right now, the Mr. migraine is one of my best accompany LOL 

Mahram

Nah! Right now, I'm searching for affordable and reasonable price for Umrah. I got tajaan Umrah which Alhamdulillah worth with half price from the actual price. But I don't have mahram =( since I apply for February and it's not a school holiday! so my uncles can't accompany me.

When I tell the Ustaz, he told me to

 "Kawin cepat!"

 and when I said

"Takde calon" 

 he said,

 "Ustaz ada kalau nak"

As simple as that? Get married just because I need mahram for my Umrah? Dramatic enough? I think my life is full of dramas. Hm still searching for mahram that willing to do Umrah with me. I wish not until I need to get married, at least this fast! or He willingly let me to achieve my dreams. Last call this August and the sit is limited! May Allah guide me toward HIS path. May Allah ease.

My pickup line be like.....

"Will you be my mahram and accompany me this February?"

Soulmate, please don't wandering too long because I need you.

XO